why can’t you resist texting your ex before the day ends? (science-based)
Disclaimer: Majority of this content is me speaking from experience backing it up with the current science we have about willpower.
If you experienced a breakup before (serious or not), it hurt you for sure (admit it!). If you decided to start a new life after 3 years of spending it with “the one,” it probably hurt more. Racing thoughts, waves of frustration and disappointment, random cries, and holding back tears during meetings.
Hurt is inevitable. It’s a wishful thinking to hope it doesn’t hurt. Because the truth is it does. It does hurt. Stop tricking yourself you’re not hurting. But how you deal with hurt is what changes the game.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have the willpower to resist the urge to call him or her? And to resist drowning yourself to another round of drinks to escape the hurt?
In this article, I will do my job on educating you the science on why it’s so hard to muster willpower after a breakup. And of course, what hacks you can do to create more willpower.
Willpower is all about making decisions
Have you ever heard of the phenomenon called decision fatigue?
It’s a psychological phenomenon stating that your quality of decisions is deteriorating one decision after another.
Do you remember waking up being enthusiastic about not eating carbs for the day? Only to find your pizza delivery at your doorstep in the afternoon?
It has been proven time and time again willpower is energy. And energy as we know is a finite source. The question is how your brain allocates this energy?
Triune Brain Model
Paul D. MacLean, MD, came up with this model to explain your brain in three parts.
Reptilian Brain
Every creature with vertebrae has a reptilian brain. This is in charge with keeping you alive. All the complicated body regulation, homeostasis, building muscle. Your reptilian brain covers these necessary processes (without you having to think).
Limbic Brain
This serves the reptilian brain. I laughed when Dave Asprey described it as “Labrador brain.” Why? Because dogs are distracted all the time. Always finding the next thing to be distracted about, and ways to ensure to keep you alive.
It operates with these 3 F’s always in mind:
- Fight-flight (when you are in a state of fear, bear chasing you, it’s a matter of life and death)
- Feeding (it doesn’t want you to die of starvation)
- F****** (if you know what I mean, for procreation 😉)
Neocortex
Now, this is where you, human, come in. You rationalize and weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. You are in charge!
And you have guessed it, this is the part of your brain involved in creating willpower.
So which part of your brain hogs the energy?
Energy is allocated in this order (most energy first)
- Reptilian brain
- Labrador brain
- Neocortex
Think about it. It makes sense to get the first two in the priority lane. Otherwise, you’ll die. End of your story.
Imagine this. You only have ONE unit of energy left. And you have to choose:
CHOICE #1: Use the remaining ONE unit of energy to resist the urge to text your ex. But you die.
CHOICE #2: Use the remaining ONE unit of energy to survive.
Of course, I wouldn’t care if I appear as a clingy and needy and a not-able-to-move-on ex, as long as I would have another day to live.
At least on the next day, I can work to be a better human being and do my best to move on little by little.
Decision fatigue is real
If you failed to inhibit unfavorable doings in the past, do not fret!
Did you know decision fatigue is a psychological phenomena? It refers to the deteriorating quality of your decision as the number of decisions made throughout the day increases.
One study shows as the day progresses, and judges make one decision after another, they were less favorable to defendants.
So, don’t worry. Everybody experiences this. But there’s a way around it!
What’s in it for you?
Starting today, you’ll feel like you have little-to-no excuse on why you flipped out on someone. Or called your ex for no apparent reason. (Let’s stop that and show yourself some love. You deserve better.) Because I will share with you how to hack willpower.
#1 Make your decisions in the morning
I can’t refer to science to back this up. But applying the core principle, energy is a finite source, you don’t want to decide when you’re low in battery.
You begin each day refreshed (that is if you have a good night’s rest) and your battery recharged waking up. So it makes sense to decide while your battery is not yet depleted.
If you’re a researcher and interested, please do the honors of proving this theory. 😘
#2 Drown your reptilian & limbic brain with energy
This seems to be a no-brainer. Your neocortex, which is involved in decision-making (your willpower) comes last in the priority list.
If you give these two the energy they need, they will not rob your neocortex energy. Makes sense?
So how do you do that?
In my previous article, I talked about mitochondria. They are your best friends in sickness and in health (forever!). They construct energy for you.
So to make more energy, take care of your mitochondria! Give them all the love you can give. Not to your ex who doesn’t appreciate you anyway. 🤭
Kidding aside! Refer to the article to hack your mitochondria.
WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
This content is really close to my heart because I know the feeling of hating yourself after doing things you can’t take back.
You probably are in the same situation of asking “What’s wrong with me?” so you picked this content. I hope this kinda help you understand your biology is at play here. Not just your thinking brain.
And the good news is, if you take care of your own biology, you can influence your feelings, emotions and how you show up to the world.
Thanks for reading!
