Oct 11, 2019
What made me quit after 7 years of smoking
I AM NOT A QUITTER!!!
I’m 99.99% sure you are/were a smoker and my starting out story isn’t that different from yours.
Pain.
A girl trying hard to be as good as an angel at all aspects. A good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good church-goer. Anything a college kid could think about. Well, she got broken-hearted.
A completely different reason might have caused your pain. But hey, pain is pain. It’s just that sometimes, we’re aware of it. Most of the time we are not.
We do crazy things either when we’re in love or hurt.
When we’re in deep shit of hurt, we shut off everything except the feeling that someone sabotaged us, hurt us. Afraid to face that feeling head on, we turn to narcotics, one being tobacco.
I saw heaven when I puffed my first smoke. All the pain were gone. It made me feel like I was the queen of the world. Like I can do anything in the name of it. It all seemed perfect. Until a few minutes after my first stick. Poof! Back to reality.
All the problems, stresses, heartaches, pain are suddenly in front of me which used to be heaven.
Pain, pain go away. Come again another day.
Process of quitting
Don’t get me wrong. I quit a gazillion times before. Do you have this joke with your high friends too?
C’mon dude let’s take a break!
Sorry, I just quit.
Oh? For how many hours now?
3 hours ago.
Damn. I can’t remember how many times I decided to be a quitter. And how many times I decided not to be a quitter. Willpower will get you through a couple of days. Yeah, but not for a lifetime.
What’s happening for real
We are in deep shit right? And we escape even for a few stolen minutes. I know it’s bad for me, who doesn’t? But this is my life, this is my shit. This is what makes me happy. Who cares if I get lung cancer?
I don’t.
So better quit on making me quit. The more I don’t honor them, the more I feel in control. The more I smoke, the more I feel in control of my life, for once.
Bliss.
Every inhale and exhale feels relaxing and high. Focused on every breath, every heaven-like moment. Feels fcking good.
But hey, there are times when I wanted to quit for real. For years of escaping the hurt thru smoking, where do I go when I’m stressed, hurt, feeling bad, sleepy, hungover, anything?
Without knowing, I built my life around tobacco and how do I bring it down?
Quit on this first
This might sound digressing.
The world is not about me. The world is not about my pain, my circumstances, my situation, my shit. I am not the center of the world, the solar system nor the universe.
It’s okay to cry, dwell with it, feel it. Feel the pain, don’t run away from it. Process it until you get back to your feet. It’s okay to fall down again, cry again, smoke again. But as this repeats, your perspective widens.
It’s not all about me.
Give it up. Your shit is a tiny spec of dust in the universe. BUT what you do with your shit has an impact not only to you. But to everyone around you, the world, the solar system and the universe.
What do you mean?!
Okay. Here’s my story, the revelation of what life is for me.
More than half of my life (I’m currently 27), I was a good-for-nothing smart girl. I was good at thinking but not feeling. Every waking day, I’d spend to find remedies to feel good. I’d do anything to feel good, to not feel the blackhole inside my heart. (as corny as it sounds)
And like any other teen, I fell in love and broke my heart leaving another hole. Smoking and drinking were my best buddies. Jumping from one relationship to another, finding the “one” who will really make me happy.
Then, I met someone…
We knew each other back in college. We were drinking buddies (it’s complicated). And now, she’s sober. We hit it off and after numerous deliberations, decided to be in a relationship.
Ranked no. 1 in our topics to argue about is my smoking. It doesn’t make sense to me why she wants me to stop. It’s my lungs, it’s what I want. It’s what I’ve been doing for years even before we were partners.
I would stop smoking for the sake of not arguing with her. Which in turn, made me feel mad at her, ruining all the love and affection. It made things worse.
Something clicked in my head. I finally understood, when I knew how my smoking made her feel. My act of smoking doesn’t only affect my body, my health. It affects her, her health, our relationship.
And all of these were caused by being dumb enough not to face my demons and kiss tobacco whenever they show up. Now, it doesn’t make sense.
Sometimes, a change of perspective is all it takes to see the light.
If I make it all about my pain, then what? I smoke. I trade my health over a few minutes of instant gratification. I choose tobacco over accomplishing endless possibilities. Like running a marathon. Or even walking a mile without complaining.
Life isn’t about our pain. It’s how we deal with pain that makes us a better person. Don’t run away from it because it could be chasing you for years (7 years for me). Process it, let it go. And be free.
There’s nothing more liberating than being independent from tobacco.
Quit on making everything about yourself, and you can be free, too. 😉
